Goodbyes are a generally a thankless experience that we tend to want to avoid, minimize or defer. They are some of our most vulnerable human moments, and we humans are historically not so naturally adept at vulnerability. Our fear of goodbyes (be the transitions, death or change of any fashion) all too often prevents us from standing in the power of that process.
There are Pearls to be Found
I challenge us to take a moment to bow to the grateful and profound energy of goodbye. Sometimes our most brilliant capacity to grow, wisen, affirm and appreciate is borne from the inevitable farewells of our lifetimes. There’s something to be said for the beauty in things not meant to last; maybe we cherish them more deeply.
“Memento Mori”
I’m a lover of the notion of “memento mori,” an ancient concept that translates to ‘remember that you will die.’ This phrase calls to our awareness the deep, abiding impermanence of life, and the treasure of that ephemeral truth. In the art world, memento mori served as a movement-of-sorts to depict withering flowers, melted candles and bleached skulls to symbolize the transience of mortal life. Art saw memento mori as profoundly lovely.
If you are facing a farewell, perhaps you can pause to breathe in the beauty of the experience. Perhaps you can feel the deep love and appreciation for what was, and the lovely ache of what is. Perhaps goodbye is a teacher, not an enemy. Let us hold with that for a moment.
You might be finding that lately it feels like life is ‘a lot.’ Maybe family, work, health, money, your spiritual life, your pets…they’re all asking for time, resources and headspace. Maybe you’re even feeling overwhelmed and burned-out.
If you can relate to this, you’re not alone.
So what causes us to reach that place where we are hanging onto life’s ledge by our shaky, loosening emotional grip?
The Window of Tolerance
As it turns out, we all have a finite container for our ability to regulate our mental health, or in this case our emotional state and nervous system response. Each of our containers is different in size depending on many factors, most of all our contexts. A sound way to think of this is as a window. The “window of tolerance” is a term originally coined by Psychologist Dan Siegel to describe the space wherein we can function our best, and how to understand when and why we might be outside our window.
As you can see above, there’s a space within our Window of Tolerance where we can feel our most ‘baseline,’ or our generally normal, more stable sense of homeostasis. In the upper edge of our window, we will feel anxiety and intensity, or the ‘fight’ responses. In the lower end of our window, we will tend to shut down, tune out or even dissociate. When we exit the ideal middle zone of our window and exit our tolerance space, our autonomic nervous system will bring distressing symptoms into the picture. We may feel ill and fatigued, and may have notably less energy.
How Do I Stay Within my Window?
So what do we do with this awareness? How do we bring ourselves back into our window of tolerance? This is where tools like therapy, meditation, your favorite exercise, listening to music (not while scrolling your feeds), taking your dog for a walk and the wide array of restorative self care can come into play. This is also the invitation for rest, breaks and boundaries. Saying “I can’t right now, and I’ll get to it soon” or even just a ‘no’ can mean so much for your mental health.
You Can Do This
You have more power than you may perceive when it comes to your window, and responding promptly to care for yourself and seek support when you recognize being out of your window is one way to use that power. Another, perhaps even more important power, is to stay committed to practicing the tools and self-care strategies that proactively hold you in your window of tolerance and help expand it.
It’s a fairly well known fact that in most of the US things are ‘reopening’ as COVID vaccination numbers steadily increase and CDC guidelines expand. Maybe you’ve already reinvigorated your world, and it’s unfolding into the next phase of a ‘sort-of post-pandemic’ life.
One of my beloved local coffee shops-the one that my week starts with on Monday mornings and ends with much the same on Fridays-sloughed off their masks last week after diligent safety standards for almost a year and a half. I was taken aback by the extent of thrill I experienced in seeing the full facial expressions of my familiar favorite baristas, as though I was discovering their fuller self for the first time. That sense got me thinking; just exactly how has our internal computation been affected by the missing half of the faces of people we love and respect this past long year?
What Does the Science Say?
The science bears out evidence that the specific wiring in our brain that recognizes and reflects expression is implicated in our social schematic. Mirror neurons, the little tangles of electrical recognition in our brains, allow us to-as they might connote-reflect on what we experience. Social cognition appears to be innately tied to our ability to observe and make sense of the expressions of others.
So what happens when you lose half of the information for an extended period of time? How might our wonderful little mirror neurons been pruned or partially deactivated due to the loss of data? Have they had to grow to work even harder to complete the missing patterns on masked faces all around us? It’s a bit early to know…and it merits a tremendous scientific effort and curiosity.
Keep an Open Mind
For now, what I am allowing myself to be curious for are the ways I will be surprised, thrilled, confused and maybe even incorrect as I attempt to re-integrate the full, expressive and wonderful faces of the people in my life. How might I use that interesting experience to enliven my gratitude, my attentiveness, my compassion and my own reflection with people moving forward? What might it mean for you?
A study on exercise and self-esteem by Sonstroem and Morgan (1989) found that “The idea of personal competence, or feelings of capability to master and control oneself and aspects of the environment, is concluded to be an essential dimension of self-esteem” (p. 330). For me, an activity that instills competence as well as a feeling of peace with my environment is hiking.
Trail magic transformed my understanding of my own competence, mental and physical strength, and resiliency
I discovered the empowerment of hiking the summer between my junior and senior year of high school when, with no previous experience I signed up for a summer camp program to hike the 100-Mile-Wilderness section of the Appalachian Trail from Monson, ME to the trail’s terminus at Mount Katahdin.
Those two weeks full of sweat, tears, and trail magic transformed my understanding of my own competence, mental and physical strength, and resiliency. This pivotal experience has shaped many of my decisions, including opting to spend the summer before college on a 28-day wilderness expedition with the Appalachian Mountain Club, majoring in Adventure Education in college, completing 3 internships with the Student Conservation Association, and becoming a Ranger for the National Park Service.
Dreaming of the Trail
The demands of graduate school over the past 3 years has meant that I spend a lot more time indoors, and travel less. I have still gotten out hiking but feel that sometimes I forget how powerful of a reset and boost it can be for me. It is back on my radar now, as I have a new hiking buddy with 4 long legs and a lot of energy to burn.
I discovered the empowerment of hiking the summer between my junior and senior year of high school when, with no previous experience I signed up for a summer camp program to hike the 100-Mile-Wilderness section of the Appalachian Trail from Monson, ME to the trail’s terminus at Mount Katahdin.
Those two weeks full of sweat, tears, and trail magic transformed my understanding of my own competence, mental and physical strength, and resiliency. This pivotal experience has shaped many of my decisions, including opting to spend the summer before college on a 28-day wilderness expedition with the Appalachian Mountain Club, majoring in Adventure Education in college, completing 3 internships with the Student Conservation Association, and becoming a Ranger for the National Park Service.
Dreaming of the Trail
The demands of graduate school over the past 3 years has meant that I spend a lot more time indoors, and travel less. I have still gotten out hiking but feel that sometimes I forget how powerful of a reset and boost it can be for me. It is back on my radar now, as I have a new hiking buddy with 4 long legs and a lot of energy to burn.
As the weather gets warmer and graduation approaches, I find myself daydreaming of spending weekends hiking in the Uinta’s unplugged from technology, wading in alpine lakes, eating snacks from Trader Joes, and reconnecting with what makes me feel strong, alive, and grateful.
Some Places to Consider
Are you interested in hiking? Here are some of my go to (dog friendly) hikes all within a short drive from Red Willow:
Avenues Twin Peaks Emigration Canyon Miners Trail Millcreek Canyon (multiple trails within the canyon) Wild Rose Trail Bonneville Shoreline Trail (multiple trailheads) The Living Room Trail Neffs Canyon Trail
*Make sure to research before you go to find a hike that fits your needs including accessibility, difficulty, parking, and fees. If you are new to hiking also make sure to research tips on how to prepare including proper footwear, layering, maps, gear, first aid, food, and water.
Sonstroem, R. J., & Morgan, W. P. (1989). Exercise and self-esteem: Rationale and model. Medicine & Science in Sports & Exercise, 21(3), 329–337. https://doi.org/10.1249/00005768-198906000-0001
“Look, I’ve got problems, no doubt – it’s just whenever I decide to get some help I end up spending 3 hours on Psychology Today until I just fall asleep. Then sometimes I decide I need therapy but then the next week I’m no longer sure. I swear, finding a therapist is almost as hard as dealing with my problem in the first place…”
If you can relate to this, you’re not alone.
I’m no expert researcher, but my experience has shown me that finding a therapist can be pretty challenging itself – on top of whatever challenge has you looking in the first place!
The Journey Before the Journey
One forgotten, underappreciated aspect of going to therapy is the initial decision just to reach out and try to get some help – It takes a commitment to go searching.
Often there’s a triggering event that prompts the decision; maybe it’s a super painful moment in your relationship, a new life event that absolutely rocks your world, or a particularly bad episode of anxiety or depression that convinces you, “I need to find a therapist”.
Once that happens, it can feel monumental enough that it feels like that should be enough! The next steps should be easy, right? Universe? Hello? Ok, I accepted that I want some help on this… now what?
Enter the Therapy-Verse : Welcome to the Jungle
So you get online, and here every therapist is talking about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, EMDR, Trauma-Informed, Existential, Eclectic, etc. Even if you have a clear cut “problem” like substance abuse, relationship struggles, sexual issues, or something else, each of these worlds have their own vocabulary.
All the degrees become a blur, and you can’t really find reviews online because leaving therapy reviews is questionable in terms of confidentiality, and asking for reviews would definitely be unethical. No big deal – just need to make a huge decision blind, right? You could always reach out to friends and family for recommendations, but hey, “if I felt great talking to friends and family about this stuff, I probably wouldn’t need a therapist,” right?
Embrace the suck…
So you’re on your own, sorting through potentially hundreds of profiles, trying to decide who you’re going to come spill your darkest secrets to based on an old headshot photo from 5 years ago and a paragraph or two of cheeky “life is hard, we can help” bios. Oof.
This is the point of the article where I’m supposed to have an elegant solution that finally makes it easy, where I can happily explain that these problems are all in the past. Unfortunately, I don’t have that solution.
What I can say is it’s worth it.
You might have to get creative – you might have to try a few intake sessions or informal phone calls first to find a fit. And yes, you might have to face the reality that you’ll need to advocate for yourself and potentially try on a few not-perfect fits before you find a therapist that really fits. You may have to show up to a few intake appointments and then not continue, or you may have to “get weird” and ask to know more about your therapist’s background and treatment philosophy. Or even worse – you may have to be open about what’s working and isn’t working for you, something that might feel as scary right now as the main challenge you’re dealing with.
Good therapy is kind of like a great pair of jeans—get it right and you’ll be amazed at the new lease on life and confidence they can give you; get it wrong, and you’re uncomfortable every time, overly self-conscious, and noticing it a lot. While many people tend to like jeans shopping a lot more than they like shopping for a therapist, the efforts can really pay off.
In my experience, people who’ve thought about therapy and reached out for help have two kinds of experiences:
1. They find good help, and look back a year or two later (or a month or two) in awe at how different their life has become (for the better), or
2. They don’t find good help, their problem is still right there in front of them, and they’re more frustrated than ever.
If you’re in camp #2, I encourage you to stay the course. That might look like changing directions, but if you stay committed to the idea that your mental health and your future are worth it, there are some amazing things that can happen for you.
For Those Who Really Need a Plan
If you’re really a stickler for getting clarity before you just jump into the process, I’ve found it useful to write out my story onto one page. Try writing out just what you feel like is going on for you and why you think you’d like some help. Give it a try and get a rough draft done, then let it sit a day or two and go back and edit it until it makes sense to you and feels clear. As you go through the process of writing, you might find some additional clarity and resolve about moving forward. Plus, it’ll give you something to go on when you walk in the door.
I wish our therapy world was better at inviting courageous clients in, and that we could make it easier. In the meantime, if you think you could use some help, may I encourage you – don’t wait! Adjust your expectations that things might not be an instant success, but hold out hope that if you stay the course, you’ll be advocating for yourself and opening the door to a future you’ll be glad you fought for. Much like therapy itself, the process might not always be our favorite, but the rewards can be life-changing.
COVID-19, social distancing, lockdowns, work changes, and the loss of our typical day to day structure and support has taken a toll on everyone. As we work to manage our grief and anxiety about these changes and losses, we are often still expected to function at the same level professionally and personally that we did prior to these new, significant stressors. Perhaps it was already a struggle to manage your responsibilities and wellbeing even before the difficulties that 2020 has brought. The pressure to be productive and to put on a brave face is intense.
In these moments, it can be easy to be especially hard on ourselves for not functioning at the same level that we are used to. Perhaps you’re disheartened because it seems like you have more time at home, yet you aren’t able to meet your goals. Maybe you’re struggling to complete work or school assignments, or you haven’t engaged with hobbies or friends as much as you’d like.
While we might not be able to control the difficulty of the current moment, one thing we can do is show ourselves self-compassion. We practice self-compassion not to feel better, but because we feel bad. Like a parent who cares for their child who is sick, even if their care won’t cure the illness, we can care for ourselves when we feel overwhelmed and are hurting.
Three Core Elements of Self-Compassion
Expert self-compassion researcher Dr. Kristin Neff describes three core elements of self-compassion and how to put them into practice in her workbook The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook. Understanding and putting these elements into practice can help us to feel validated in our hurt and are part of the process of self-soothing when we are stressed, whether those hurts feel small or great. These core elements are self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.
Self-Kindness
Self-kindness means speaking to and about ourselves kindly, which is easier said than done. Have you ever noticed that you speak harshly to yourself, but are willing to provide love, support, and encouragement to others, even in similar circumstances? Self-kindness means speaking to ourselves from a place of love and compassion rather than one of anger and fear. “Instead of attacking and berating ourselves for being inadequate,” Neff says, “we offer ourselves warmth and unconditional acceptance.”
“I know you are disappointed that you haven’t accomplished what you wanted today. That’s alright, I know I tried hard and it’s understandable because things are really hard for me right now.”
Common Humanity
In moments when we struggle, we often feel alone in our struggle. Even if we know that everyone is having a tough time during the pandemic, we usually still find a way to tell ourselves that we’re handling it worse than everyone else. Luckily, self-compassion doesn’t require
comparing functioning, but only acknowledging a shared experience of suffering—grief, anger, fear, anxiety, loss, as well as guilt, embarrassment, shame, and disappointment. These are natural and normal parts of the human experience.
“I can’t expect to get everything done that I plan to every day, especially right now. We all fall short of our expectations and plans sometimes, and we all experience the fear of what might happen if we don’t accomplish what we set out to do.”
Mindfulness
Mindfulness might seem like an odd element to include with self-compassion, but it is potentially the most important factor in the equation. In order to show compassion towards ourselves, it’s crucial that we take time to listen to our bodies and minds, and notice the difficult physiological sensations, emotions, and thoughts that we experience. As we notice them, rather than ignore or avoid them, we are able to validate that they are real and that they are difficult, uncomfortable, and painful. Mindfulness includes not only noticing our sensations, but also noticing them in the present moment without making interpretations about what those sensations mean and how long they will last.
“I’m feeling tightness in my chest, pressure behind my eyes, and am having thoughts that I’ve let my family, friends, and co-workers down today. I’m feeling sad, anxious, and embarrassed. These feelings won’t last forever, and I can acknowledge that it’s difficult and scary to be feeling this way.”
You Can Do This
It might feel difficult to shift your thinking in this way, and that’s ok too. This presents another great opportunity to show compassion for yourself—learning to care for ourselves and self-soothe is difficult, especially if we haven’t had a model for how to speak to ourselves kindly by others in our lives. As best as you can, try and notice and catch yourself when you start to berate or attack yourself, or when you attempt to ignore or minimize the difficulties that you’re facing right now. It’s normal to be hurting right now, and you deserve care, love, and compassion in the face of that pain, even and especially from yourself.
One of the wildest of years is coming to an exhausting close, with slight glimmers of hope on the precipice of 2021. Most of us know by now how strained our mental health and general tolerances have been of late, and resources feel all the more scarce for many.
Access to already limited support has been more complicated during the pandemic, and what is available is often heaving with waitlists.
Turn Scarcity Into Abundance
So what can we do to self-support while we seek professional and personal allies for our mental and behavioral health? How can we shore-up our stability for what will hopefully be a somehow better year to come? Although self-help is a limited resource and is not a substitute for therapy, we can also invest additionally in building our own set of sustainable resources.
Resources at your Disposal
Fortunately, a handful are right here on the site. Navigate to the Library under the Resources tab and you’ll find recommended podcasts, TedTalks, books, and articles by topic.
Furthermore, we’ve recently added our collection of tests, scales, and questionnaires to the library. These can actually be difficult to find on the internet (we’ve looked) and can be insightful brief assessment tools.
Bear in mind – these are not to be used for self-diagnoses(we all know any time you google your stomach ache it comes back as cancer)and are best used as clarification with your therapist or psychiatric med prescriber.
Some are simple enough, like the Beck Depression & Anxiety Inventories. Others will require interpretation with your licensed mental health professional.
No matter what, we can all use a few more tools in the kit as we navigate life this winter and beyond!
For so much of my life, home was my childhood house in my hometown of New England. Last week my mom put our house on the market, and it has made me think a lot about the concept of home. Do I no longer have a home? What is a home? What makes a home?
Being Untethered from Home
These are my thoughts so far. Since college home has been an elusive place for me to find. In my mid 20’s I worked as a seasonal ranger for the National Park Service and found myself moving every 6 months. For me, having a mailing address and a residence did not make these places my home. I lacked a feeling of connection to the places I was living and did not relax into my surroundings knowing my time there was limited. I was untethered from home.
Home is More Than a House
During my first year of graduate school, the apartment I rented never gave me the sense of comfort that being home does. I felt tentative to make the space my own knowing that it did belong to me and was not permanent. I did, however, begin referring to Utah as home. Home was the place that held my community.
As I am writing this, I am sitting next to my 7-year-old, 56-pound rescue pup who has been home with me now for 2 months, I am her home. Home just in these past few months has become my dog, my friends, Utah, and my living space which I have furnished with touches reminiscent of my home in New England which, too, will always be home.
Home is so much more than a house. What is your home?
*Note this is my subjective experience, I understand that for many, home may be accompanied by negative memories, experiences, and emotions.
It’s been several weeks since our cities went into a state of emergency ‘lockdown.’ Our lives seem to have become restrained and constricted as well. Many of us are feeling increasing states of depression, loneliness, numbness and loss of motivation on top of the already reverberating anxiety.
I’ve had to remind myself several times that this is a pervasive, acute stress response-inducing event. This likely means that all of us on some level are in a state of traumatic stress that’s slow and unrelenting. We navigate through shifting states of uncertainty, cautiously proceeding through brambles of doubt, confusion, loneliness and despair. Our lack of clarity about what the ‘end’ of this pandemic will or should look like; or what a realistic timeframe is for adequate relief, causes further anxiety and compounds our current mental and emotional duress.
Living in Uncertainty
During an event of this nature, it is common that elevated stress responses lead to troubling personal, interpersonal and social outcomes. Increases in depression, anxiety, substance abuse, suicide, domestic violence and hate crimes increase. Many have lost jobs or been furloughed indefinitely, those who retain work have made massive adjustments, often working unpaid overtime or even losing pay yet working more. Additionally, although ‘staying home’ is the socially responsible action now, home is not necessarily a safe place for everyone. In fact, staying home may be a larger life crisis for some than falling physically ill with COVID-19.
How can we Stabilize Ourselves?
At this juncture of our experience, it makes sense to focus on stabilization and safety planning so that we can continue to ride out an unknown stressor of such severity. The first step to trauma treatment is stability. What does that look like? It begins with ‘resourcing,’ or another word for gathering and solidifying the needed things to feel a sense of basic control and maintenance of daily life. No, this doesn’t mean more toilet paper rolls. This means emotional and psychological resources.
Where are we in our brain?
During crisis’, our brains can become debilitated alongside our social lives. When we feel that there is a legitimate and ongoing threat to our way of life, access to our ‘executive functioning’ brain – aka the area of the brain responsible for critical thinking, rationale and managing complexity, can become limited. A much more primal, intuitive, and reflexive part of the brain becomes dominant and pervasive. This is a slow, silent battle that’s wearing on us, progressively. It is imperative to view resourcing as a guidepost for managing this experience.
Some Successful Strategies
– Look to ‘clone’ beloved and healthy coping strategies (find a Zoom yoga class or home workout Youtube tutorial, pop some popcorn and have a more specifically fun ‘movie night’ rather than just binge watching, order takeout or delivery from a local favorite restaurant and sit outside for a picnic.)
– Search for meaning-making. Find new ways to create a sense of purpose or ‘mission’ through this hardship. Locate the ways in which this experience is filled with lessons and wisdoms. Therapy can be a big help with this! (Shameless plug)
– Prepare for post-traumatic growth. When we resource well and make meaning of our traumas, we have the opportunity to develop skills, strengths and resiliencies afterward. Set your actions and intentions towards your potential for becoming bettered in the post-pandemic life picture. Imagine your ‘healing image’ now, in your mind, as you ride through this event. What do you want healing to look like?
