During the holiday season, it is expected to attend multiple family gatherings and associate with difficult family members. We all can think of at least one family member who questions our choices, has their nose in our business, or is just plain rude. Navigating these hurtful situations during the holidays can dull the magic. Here are some tips to help you have a better holiday and keep arguments with family at bay.
Set Boundaries
The first step when dealing with family or friends is to set boundaries. Boundaries help you to stay calm and also know when to remove yourself from a toxic situation. Communicating your boundaries to family members in a clear and safe way will yield better results. Try saying “I do not want to talk about X with you. Can we talk about X instead?” or “I came to see grandma today. Please don’t hug/talk/pester me today.” “I am not drinking today, please stop pressuring me.”
Trying a less is more approach with this family member can also be a healthy boundary. You don’t have to be rude, but you also don’t have to give in to their antics. Avoid conversations with them and be pleasant when they are around.
Manage Your Expectations
Expectations can be a trap set by yourself when you are ultimately faced with reality, especially when it comes to dealing with difficult family during major holidays. We often try to change others and manage others’ feelings or actions and this doesn’t often end well. If you have a difficult family situation, consider the best, worst, and average case scenario to help ground yourself. Often, the worst-case scenario will not occur while at your holiday gatherings. Anything better than the worst outcome you can come up with will be a win.
Find Common Ground
Many of us have more in common than we think. Those family members who seem to want to argue about everything, try to find something that you both love or are passionate about. This topic can be a safe conversation for holidays going forward and help you avoid talking about other sensitive topics. Try talking about your favorite holiday movie or a sport you like watching. Be open to listening and put out the vibe that you want to receive.
Avoid Triggering Topics
Topics like weight, politics, pregnancy, pronouns, war, and finances can be sensitive topics that are often discussed during the holidays. While you may not be able to stop others from talking about these things, you can control how you react and what you say about your personal life. Three P’s not to talk about, the Past, Personal life, and Politics.
Focus on the fourth P – the present – talk about the food, ask others right there how they’re doing, in general, and keep the focus on others by asking a lot of questions.
When difficult family situations arise, remember that a short answer is still a pleasant response. Avoid bringing up difficult topics or mentioning names that could trigger arguments.
Have A Signal
If you have a partner or are attending a holiday party with a friend, have a code word or a signal that you need their help. Having a code can help bring you emotional support or give you an excuse to leave the function. Your signal could be playing with your hair or adjusting your glasses, or you could have a code word that you text to let your safe person know you are ready to leave.
Remove Yourself When Possible
While it may feel like a requirement to go to every holiday party, dinner, and gift exchange, that isn’t true. Feeling guilt around missing family events can be a complex thing to navigate, but your mental health is always more important than others’ feelings. Difficult family dynamics can make it difficult to attend events, so when possible remove yourself from a potentially awkward situation.
If you can not avoid the event altogether, remove yourself from rooms where the conversation is not safe or avoid talking to specific members. Even if you have to walk away in the middle of a conversation, it will protect your peace.
Services From Red Willow Counseling & Recovery
If you are feeling the stress of the holidays, seeking professional help could give you new coping skills and take the weight off your shoulders. Red Willow offers couples counseling, individual counseling, trauma therapy, and more. No matter your struggles, seeking professional help should be seen as a strength. When you better yourself, you are better equipped to handle future challenges. Reach out to any of our 3 locations to set up your appointment today!
